Venus Is Making You Thirsty AF: Your Weekly Horoscopes May 22-27

Summer is upon us, meaning that it’s time to figure out how exactly you’ll be making the next three months the best summer of your life. Will this be the summer you strike gold and become wealthy AF? Or will you use the incredible beach bod you’ve been sculpting to find yourself rolling in the Tinder D? It’s up to you. Well, actually, it’s not. It’s up to the stars, and more specifically, the placement of the stars and planets at the time of your birth. Think you’re going to have a carefree, fuck-it-all summer season? Sorry betch, but Mars has other plans. Trying to focus on something  than hookups for once in your life? Venus says “no fucking way.” Honestly, it’s kind of beautiful. Just practice this phrase, and your summer will be perfect: “sorry for what I said when Saturn was in my sign.” 

Aries

Even though warmer temps on the horizon have you wanting to really chill out, preferably with a margarita and next to a swimming pool, the stars have a different plan for you. Your pace is going to accelerate in the next four weeks as projects and due dates start piling up. Fucking bullshit, we know. The good news is, because of the placement of Mars, your ruler, you’re going to get right to the point in all your dealings. Your man, your friends, and your boss better come correct because you’ll have no problem telling it like it is this week. That’s for damn sure.

Taurus

You probably already know, but out of all the signs, you’re the absolute best at handling your finances. In the next four weeks, you’ll have Lil’ Wayne in your head saying “Moolah baby!” as you’re really working toward a life of cashing checks and breaking necks, without the breaking necks part, obvi. You’ll be more aggressive in your deal-making and negotiating activities. If you feel like you’ve got too much built up angst, now is the best time to take up boxing or Krav Maga. Like, you really need to release some tension before you break someone’s actual neck.

Gemini

Once a year, the Sun is in your sign for four weeks and yassss betch, this is your time! You know what that means? Well un-buckle the fuck up, because it’s going to be smooth ride for the month ahead. Not only will you be riding the high of having your birthday, you’ll also be getting a lot more attention, and who among us doesn’t want more attention? That’s right, everybody wants to be the star of the show and that’s you rn, basically. Bring on the gifts, treats and compliments.

Cancer

For the next four weeks, the sun goes into hiding in your chart. Chill out, this happens to basically every sign right before their birthday. It takes some of the attention off you so that you can evaluate where you are in life and what you want as far as goals go. It also gives you a break to plan the perfect birthday extravaganza. Lucky for you, when the sun is hiding in Cancer, it doesn’t wreck your shit as badly as it could if you were a different sign. So, at least you have that going for you.

Leo

The next four weeks could be the most popular time of the year for you, and it isn’t even your birthday. Leos are pretty goddamned lucky when it comes to good vibes even when it’s not their birthday month. Anyway, your enthusiasm and charming personality are going to attract more people to your social circle. Do not be surprised if the amount of Facebook event invitations you receive in the next month is somewhat overwhelming. Just respond “maybe” to every one just in case better comes along.

Virgo

The sun is at the very tip-top of your chart for the next four weeksbasically, it’s acting like a spotlight shining down on you and your actions. So even though you’ll get a lot more attention, your mistakes will be just that much more visible too. Keep your Insta caption game strong and spell check your tweets. Also, maybe don’t tweet something super controversial. That’s what saving things in drafts is for, duh. So you can go back and decide if it’s actually funny or just kind of pathetic. It’s not like what you say could get you fired from work (I hope), but it might get you roasted in the group chat.

Libra

Get ready to feel content AF for the next four weeks. You’ll probably have that weird feeling like something bad is right around the corner or that you’re constantly forgetting something. Just calm your tits. Everything is actually totally fine. Everyone around you is more likely to be totes supportive of your life choices. Even your significant other is super attentive and mindful of your needs. Don’t let your anxiety about things going too well make you act up. Just fucking enjoy your life for a bit.

Scorpio

Down girl, down. Spring fever is hitting the Scorpio betch hard as your sexual desire is in overdrive for the next four weeks. That could either be really sexy or really sketchy, depending on how you go about it. Just because you feel the urge, doesn’t mean you should risk your health and safety by tryna hookup with every rando with a Tinder account. Most signs feel like winter is cuffing/cuddling season, but the Scorpio is looking for more than just a summer fling. You want a dude that can keep up with *cough* pay for *cough* your summer plans. Think long-ish term when you’re swiping for a match.

Sagittarius

Time for an extra coffee and maybe a few extra Lexapros. Fiery Mars is opposite your sign for the next few weeks, meaning you’re more likely to get extra fucking annoyed with others. The Sun is also directly opposite your sign so you need more rest. Even though there is no such thing as a happy camper, you definitely aren’t one this week. That’s for damn sure. The good news is Venus is making you more romantic and inclined to go out and party. So take every nap you can so you can appease your fun side as much as possible.

Capricorn

You know that stupid Pinterest quote about “keeping your heels, head and standards high”? Well that’s clich and really fucking annoying, but it’ll kind of dictate your next four weeks. Bear with me here as I explain. Mars will help you stay organized and super driven for the next month. Your desire to succeed will push you to keep your standard for excellence up while also turning you into a mentor for others. Feel free to share your knowledge and expertise as long as you don’t do it by posting a clich AF caption over a thirst trap pic on Instagram.

Aquarius

Get that VSCO account ready: The next month is the best time for you to take vacation, attend parties, and, basically, live your very best life. Your responsibilities are at a minimum and your overall vibe is just generally cool and fun. Likewise, you don’t have a lot of super pressing deadlines coming up in the next months, so if you want to play sick a few days and enjoy the nice weather, you can totally do that without too many people saying “Boo, you whore”.

Pisces

You’ve been pretty focused on the idea that you need to settle TF down and wife up, pop out some kids, shit like that. Even though the engagement announcements choking up your social feeds abound, you actually have a lot more to accomplish before you buy a wifey T-shirt and get, like, really boring. This month, it’s important to focus on what you want to do before you really give up all your freedom for the American Dream or whatever it is you think you’re chasing. 

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