This summer, more than ever, the internet and world at large is in the throes of peak Chris madness. For serious scientific reasons enumerated below, Mashable has dubbed today, July 1st, the year of our lord 2017 as…Chris-mas.
What is Chris-mas? Christmas, but for Chrises! Christmas in July but Chris-mas, in July. On this day we celebrate our Chrises in all their glory and embarrassment, because we too are miracles of glorious embarrassment.
In honor of the internet’s fascination with them, in honor of their success and the fact that now, finally, they’re all members of the Academy the timing is finally right for Chris-mas in July.
What is Chris-mas, exactly? Its a lot of things, and here’s how to treat it…
1. Celebrate a birthday
In finding the exact date of Chris-mas, or the days when the Chrises all align and bestow the universe with hitherto unforeseen powers, we did some digging. July 1 is an ideal day for Chris-mas, as it falls on what I have just now named the Summer Sols-chris; a date nicely in between their birthdays. Evans was the first on June 13, followed by Pratt on June 21; Hemsworth is next on August 11 and Pine rounds out the quartet on August 26.
So buy a cake, get some streamers, and light a candle for every time you confused one Chris for another, wondered why there are so many of them, then shrugged and went about your day.
2. Celebrate Christmas
Chris-mas is of course inspired by Christmas in July, so feel free to indulge in some Christmas movies or television episodes (anything from Parks and Recreation is appropriate). Buy your loved ones a box set of the Chrises’ greatest hits and then sip your egg nog sanctimoniously while sweating in the summer sun.
3. See a movie
One of the reasons Chris-mas came to our attention is that this is the first year each Chris has exactly one movie releasing in theaters; Gifted (Evans), Guardians of the Galaxy Vol. 2 (Pratt), Wonder Woman (Pine), and Thor: Ragnarok (Hemsworth). By appearing in just one movie, each Chris maximizes his respective Chris charisma (Cachrisma?).
Gifted is no longer in theaters, but Wonder Woman is still going strong (see it on Fourth of July, maybe?) and Guardians is still floating around in select theaters. We’re then in a bit of a dry spell of Chris movies until Ragnarok in November, so I recommend Netflix’s GLOW, which features Chris Lowell.
4. Read a lot of Chris content
Mashable‘s own Chris rankings branch out of the Big Four Chrises, while The Ringer has an ongoing intense deep-dive for those inclined toward hard-hitting scientific research. Rotten Tomatoes‘ Chris-off has some excellent visual infographics, but the statistics are skewed by including Chris Rock, who is exempt from the game by virtue of the fact that he is Chris freaking Rock.
5. Prepare for the big one
Three of them have major superhero flicks that are part of a larger franchise (Pine better crop up in Wonder Woman flashbacks or we’ll have a lot to say about it).
It is apt to surmise from the above data that the One True Chris-mas is still in our future. One day, there will come a time when each Chris releases only a superhero movie (c’mon, Evans) and/or they join forces la Infinity War (if Pine gets a cameo, we will all be engulfed by the singularity).
For now, let’s just take a day to appreciate our Chris blessings and celebrate. That day is today, and the celebration is now.